Feeling smug because 'inanimacy' was just a word I used to try to represent a noun for 'inanimate', but lo and behold! It describes the exact essence of what I want to convey.
'it is a word i use to define how we love our "things"'
- Urban Dictionary
Recently my younger brother lost his pouch for the earpiece he bought. He found out just before he has to book in to his army camp (my brother is currently under national conscript), and he came into my room frantically asking if I have seen it anywhere. There and then I felt that heart-wrenching pain, it's not crippling but just enough to feel like tearing.
Just a few months ago, I went jogging at a nearby park after-which I will usually grab a quick shower at a nearby toilet. Unfortunately for whatever reason, I left my toiletry pouch in the toilet along with my soiled clothes and handphone. Despite rushing back to the toilet after half an hour, the bags were no longer there. I went scouring in the nearby bins, and there lie the bags. My toiletry bag was half soaked in coca cola with all the items missing, fortunately my soiled clothes and handphone were 'clean' and still in the bag. Within my toiletry bag were some unique items that I will never be able to replace. The feel was so strong but there were no tears.
Gaming gear always includes a good keyboard and optical/ball mouse. My girlfriend's brother bought one home and realise a few of the keys are permanently indented. I remember feeling my heart just flying out.
My girlfriend and I bought the same laptop at an IT Mall. And oddly enough, they were left with only one windows 7 set. So, I decided to take the Windows 8 version and promised to help them research on upgrading to Windows 8 together. Needless to say I did not succeed. What I felt was not guilt, but somehow I failed and pulled at the heart-strings too. Probably cos my girlfriend was involved.
A few years back, I smashed my own handphone's screen to smithereens while trying to fix it because hitting the keypad worked the previous few times. An accidental misplaced hit from my knee to the screen........
During my teenage years, handphones always felt out of my reach. It was not as common as the present and it was a luxury to be able to own one. But the allure and the promise of connection was too irresistible and I took odd-jobs just so I could afford one. After my father found out why my grades were slipping, he took the phone and threw it like a shotput ... ... straight on the floor.
I have always wanted to talk about this feeling, indescribable yet so strong it has made me suicidal before. Maybe I can coin this as 'Inanimacism'. It is weird because I can even recall when such feelings start to surface. And even far out is the fact that I have Inanimacism even when it happens to things that belong to someone else.
But even more peculiar is that I don't love easily, and this includes objects. Important to my life or not they, as I describe to my mum, are tools for us. I treasure my stuff but never love.
Yet whenever materialistic calamities happen to people around me, be the item is replaceable or irreplaceable, I always feel a dreadful sense of loss. Something like a 'what could have been.........'
On the same note, it is similar to the feels I have for my girlfriend. When some unfortunate events happen to her, Inanimacism coupled with the feels... ... Helplessness.
