?

A simple 'maybe he has been busy' would have sufficed. Or 'he will probably tell me later'

But all i got in my defence was 'oh.. isit? he never tell me'

I am already a dead man before any trial. I am supposed to understand that you feel upset that someone asked you about a conversation that you have yet to hear from me. If that upsets you so much, I am sorry

i am not the man for you

It is not that I refuse to acknowledge how you feel.

It's I refuse to acknowledge that you did not even want to defend me, give me the benefit of doubt that I will come back and talk to you about it. Time and again I have raised this subject. Everytime you refuted with that I have never came to your defence either. So I live with all the constant talk about me cannot wake up, shit smelly. I put up with everything. You will say, it's true ma. Of course! I can swallow it all. Jokes on me. Better that way.

I can go down history as the boyfriend that is hard to wake up and shits smelly willingly because I love you.

There are things we do not get to run away. If ever it felt that way, it's probably time to wake up.

Omnicient and Infallible

No, that's not me. I wish I can be that but I'm probably just a lesser human with flaws and much ignorance.

There's no need to deny. I bring it up and the next moment you go, 'it's ok, nevermind'. Not even an apology. Why? 'Cos there's no need! You were wronged, not wrong. That stups guy is the stups one.

You can have it your way. I thought we had much planned, and as always I feel I'm back on square zero.

Maligned

Today all I got was.
'Why didn't you?'
'You should have!'
'Have you thought about me?'
'How I feel?!'

Listening to them I felt so disheartened.

Yes, I am useless.

I told you already.

What I touch, I destroy.


I'm sorry, in messages or in voice.

You can walk away with your glory.

Your pride.

I can only do so much.

May has drained me as such.


For I'm okay to be as lonely as,

that man under the moon.

A Yearly Affair

Every new year is followed by new resolutions.

Last year, I achieved majority of mine except for, well, minor few bad habits that I'll have to nip in the bud. New year resolutions sounds cheesy and over-used excuse to feel like I'm improving on my life. But over the years, I realise changes start on that day. Real changes to our lives.

Would like to have a list here but I'm really bad with blogs. So here it goes.

10) Be even more grateful for the things I have.
I live in a country that's prosperous and full of opportunities. It's even touted as a financial hub of Asia after Hong Kong. Even more fortunately, born into a family with a hardworking father and housewife mother. What more can I ask for?

9) Keeping fit.
Would like to believe I'm getting a lot better nowadays. But more can be done. Run twice a week! Come on!

8) Have better money sense.
I get tempted like bees to honey or mice to grain.Many a times buying stuffs I don't even need. I need to start saving up and getting the things that really matter.

7) Stay healthy.
Wealth can't buy health. Enough said.

6) Repay my debts.
It's a pit hole I don't want to fall into. recently my debt ratio has been climbing. I'm not comfortable with it. And at this rate that I am going, it will only get worse. Buck Up!

5) Get my new car.
I want a ride I can call ours. Yes baby. No matter what I have I share with you. I believe we should own our car. No more hand me downs. In 2 cars time, we have to do it.

4) Start aiming for a target earning that I want.
I've been guilty of taking things as they come. And look where I got myself. Became the crowd of clappers. So many familiar faces went up on stage, ex-schoolmates, ex-nsfriends, ex-whatever. All I can do is watch enviously. It was a really hug slap on my face.

3) Give better services to my clients.
Time to show them having me as they servicing friend is the best that they can ask for!

2) Love my girlfriend more.
Unfortunately she hasn't been happy much in our nearly 2 years relationship. She's been through a lot. My temper, my sarcasm, my jealousy. I guess those are a lot to tank already. But she made it, she took them all in the face and loves me all the same. I love her! But I will love her even more.. Time to get that ****.

1) Be punctual.
Judging by the date of this post... well past the last day of Chinese New Year. Speaks volumes of how I have been procrastinating everything. I have to stop. If it doesn't I don't see myself getting better in any way.

And... here they are!

Devotion to Extremism

Meh~

It's the year of the goat, and.... out goes another year of my life.

But what's a year to many other people living on the same planet Earth?

In this day and age, we as a species still experience "medieval" conquerors for land, for gold. Genocide rampages through current media. Videos of mass beheading and burning of children circulates as I am typing this. Young innocent children who didn't look any older than 5. Are we really in the 20th century? 'Cos I swear this shit sounds real ancient.

It is almost like us reading about how "witches" were hunted down and burned at the stake which by the way already sounds absurd. But, how about because those children were from a christian church? Some could barely stand and were crawling on fours.

There have been many capable men throughout history who accomplished feats that may otherwise sound impossible. Genghis Khan, Julius Ceasar just to name a few. They had an idea or unity of land that usually equates to prosperity and strength. These ideas however were never in conflict with a human's freedom to choose his own beliefs. And to be honest, it's really counter-productive if they are looking on the recruitment front.

I feel helpless, and fortunate. I was born into a world that has been safe for the past half a century. I have a hardworking father that carved out a comfortable life for his family. I had the luxury to study and served in the army. But the only contribution I can provide is to become a keyboard warrior with the fight against such terror.

Life's short when we look back, long when we stop but time will never be enough. One day death catches up. I hope for true peace while I am still alive, hope for a real solution to our currently shabby currencies, hope for unity within the human race. For that special place in John Lennon's song, a place we can be constructive and productive for our future. A place of dreams for my loved ones.

It's the new year.

I want to hope.

the week. can't get any better

The run of turbulence continues...

I felt so sandwiched when a friend of mine made many accusations about a senior of mine, and yet despite reasoning with her, assuring. Her mind's made up, and she hangs on to it while constantly milking it for attention. It felt like talking to a young adolescent girl who was told she's naughty sets out to prove she's not by being even more unruly and eventually crying because she did not get what she wants.

If that's not bad enough. Some asshole did a post on my Facebook accusing me of no invite to a certain event despite the fact that it wasn't a manual invite for the event. He fucking left the group on his own accord and tries to pin this no invite on me. Really gets to me. It's worse than crying wolf. Ironically stating our past 5 years of friendship (which he totally ruined with that comment).

But all these cannot be compared to my girlfriend accusing me of not spending enough time with her family. That I treasure my work, family, siblings and friends more. And I swear it really felt like she just wants to be upset with me for no reason. Just 2 days ago, I spent a whole day at her place helping her family around the house while she slept. Barely 4 days, I had dinner at her place. Not discounting the fact that each time her brother needs my help, I'll gladly go.

But no. All of that probably meant nothing to her. In fact. In her own words "I devote ALL my time to... ..", "EVERYTIME I ask you to eat together... ...", "You ALWAYS reject me". I don't feel like continuing anymore. Even though I'm just repeating, it sounds just as childish.

I never asked for much. The only time I asked you to come over are for stayovers. Because essentially we'll pay more if I park at your place now. And I've told you I want to change that. Earn a little more so I can afford parking at your place too. Meals with my family is less than a handful of times.

I don't even

want

to continue

listing stuffs

anymore.

If you do not remember how much I do for you and your family, well I'll gladly go and let you find the person of your dreams. Which you've made it perfectly clear that I'm not.

Spur

It hasn't been the smoothest of days over the past week.

Almost like a series of unfortunate events, that feels a lot worse because it is evidently my own fault.

Something curious that happened was during the last weekly jog that I went, there was another jogger wearing the NS physical training attire in front of me. Since it is my first round, I overtook him with ease and wanted to go on leisurely. But to my surprise, he was hot on my heels and chased me for a whole round before ending his jog.

It reminded me of how competitive life can be, how I used to be and how I am now.