Blow Your Trumpet

Ever had friends that just loves themselves to bits? oh! I made the sun! The moon kinda fell out of my butthole. Everything is about them.
But as I face reality, the truth seems to be whoever blows the trumpet first. That becomes the truth. And if disputed, the disputer ends up becoming the glory hunter.

And I live with someone like that. It's always their credit, their effort. So oblivious to everyone else's role. And today when I raise the issue upm the reaction I get was to apologise and turn away. What kind of apology is that? She does not even want to acknowledge my pain or anguish. Because it is not worth her time or effort. She claims each time we quarrel she has to initiate the make up first.
But it's never like this! I get so frustrated whenever I think about this. I had to compromise EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Everytime she runs away from the issue I die a little inside. And she continues thinking she have to lower herself to apologise to me. She can do no wrong, there's always a reason or an excuse.

But I am not worthy of that priviledge. If i commit a wrong, it will be why can't I put myself in her shoes and think about how she feels. In fact it's in every situation.Regardless if I am unhappy about something. It's still about her feelings. I can't have any feelings.

Sometimes I wonder why I put so much effort. So much white lies to cover for her. All I get  always a stab in the back with no credit. Every achievement is hers and every mistake is mine.

Yay!

To think that it was the real reason.

Another confirmation that I worth shit... hahaha.

?

A simple 'maybe he has been busy' would have sufficed. Or 'he will probably tell me later'

But all i got in my defence was 'oh.. isit? he never tell me'

I am already a dead man before any trial. I am supposed to understand that you feel upset that someone asked you about a conversation that you have yet to hear from me. If that upsets you so much, I am sorry

i am not the man for you

It is not that I refuse to acknowledge how you feel.

It's I refuse to acknowledge that you did not even want to defend me, give me the benefit of doubt that I will come back and talk to you about it. Time and again I have raised this subject. Everytime you refuted with that I have never came to your defence either. So I live with all the constant talk about me cannot wake up, shit smelly. I put up with everything. You will say, it's true ma. Of course! I can swallow it all. Jokes on me. Better that way.

I can go down history as the boyfriend that is hard to wake up and shits smelly willingly because I love you.

There are things we do not get to run away. If ever it felt that way, it's probably time to wake up.

Omnicient and Infallible

No, that's not me. I wish I can be that but I'm probably just a lesser human with flaws and much ignorance.

There's no need to deny. I bring it up and the next moment you go, 'it's ok, nevermind'. Not even an apology. Why? 'Cos there's no need! You were wronged, not wrong. That stups guy is the stups one.

You can have it your way. I thought we had much planned, and as always I feel I'm back on square zero.

Maligned

Today all I got was.
'Why didn't you?'
'You should have!'
'Have you thought about me?'
'How I feel?!'

Listening to them I felt so disheartened.

Yes, I am useless.

I told you already.

What I touch, I destroy.


I'm sorry, in messages or in voice.

You can walk away with your glory.

Your pride.

I can only do so much.

May has drained me as such.


For I'm okay to be as lonely as,

that man under the moon.

A Yearly Affair

Every new year is followed by new resolutions.

Last year, I achieved majority of mine except for, well, minor few bad habits that I'll have to nip in the bud. New year resolutions sounds cheesy and over-used excuse to feel like I'm improving on my life. But over the years, I realise changes start on that day. Real changes to our lives.

Would like to have a list here but I'm really bad with blogs. So here it goes.

10) Be even more grateful for the things I have.
I live in a country that's prosperous and full of opportunities. It's even touted as a financial hub of Asia after Hong Kong. Even more fortunately, born into a family with a hardworking father and housewife mother. What more can I ask for?

9) Keeping fit.
Would like to believe I'm getting a lot better nowadays. But more can be done. Run twice a week! Come on!

8) Have better money sense.
I get tempted like bees to honey or mice to grain.Many a times buying stuffs I don't even need. I need to start saving up and getting the things that really matter.

7) Stay healthy.
Wealth can't buy health. Enough said.

6) Repay my debts.
It's a pit hole I don't want to fall into. recently my debt ratio has been climbing. I'm not comfortable with it. And at this rate that I am going, it will only get worse. Buck Up!

5) Get my new car.
I want a ride I can call ours. Yes baby. No matter what I have I share with you. I believe we should own our car. No more hand me downs. In 2 cars time, we have to do it.

4) Start aiming for a target earning that I want.
I've been guilty of taking things as they come. And look where I got myself. Became the crowd of clappers. So many familiar faces went up on stage, ex-schoolmates, ex-nsfriends, ex-whatever. All I can do is watch enviously. It was a really hug slap on my face.

3) Give better services to my clients.
Time to show them having me as they servicing friend is the best that they can ask for!

2) Love my girlfriend more.
Unfortunately she hasn't been happy much in our nearly 2 years relationship. She's been through a lot. My temper, my sarcasm, my jealousy. I guess those are a lot to tank already. But she made it, she took them all in the face and loves me all the same. I love her! But I will love her even more.. Time to get that ****.

1) Be punctual.
Judging by the date of this post... well past the last day of Chinese New Year. Speaks volumes of how I have been procrastinating everything. I have to stop. If it doesn't I don't see myself getting better in any way.

And... here they are!

Devotion to Extremism

Meh~

It's the year of the goat, and.... out goes another year of my life.

But what's a year to many other people living on the same planet Earth?

In this day and age, we as a species still experience "medieval" conquerors for land, for gold. Genocide rampages through current media. Videos of mass beheading and burning of children circulates as I am typing this. Young innocent children who didn't look any older than 5. Are we really in the 20th century? 'Cos I swear this shit sounds real ancient.

It is almost like us reading about how "witches" were hunted down and burned at the stake which by the way already sounds absurd. But, how about because those children were from a christian church? Some could barely stand and were crawling on fours.

There have been many capable men throughout history who accomplished feats that may otherwise sound impossible. Genghis Khan, Julius Ceasar just to name a few. They had an idea or unity of land that usually equates to prosperity and strength. These ideas however were never in conflict with a human's freedom to choose his own beliefs. And to be honest, it's really counter-productive if they are looking on the recruitment front.

I feel helpless, and fortunate. I was born into a world that has been safe for the past half a century. I have a hardworking father that carved out a comfortable life for his family. I had the luxury to study and served in the army. But the only contribution I can provide is to become a keyboard warrior with the fight against such terror.

Life's short when we look back, long when we stop but time will never be enough. One day death catches up. I hope for true peace while I am still alive, hope for a real solution to our currently shabby currencies, hope for unity within the human race. For that special place in John Lennon's song, a place we can be constructive and productive for our future. A place of dreams for my loved ones.

It's the new year.

I want to hope.

the week. can't get any better

The run of turbulence continues...

I felt so sandwiched when a friend of mine made many accusations about a senior of mine, and yet despite reasoning with her, assuring. Her mind's made up, and she hangs on to it while constantly milking it for attention. It felt like talking to a young adolescent girl who was told she's naughty sets out to prove she's not by being even more unruly and eventually crying because she did not get what she wants.

If that's not bad enough. Some asshole did a post on my Facebook accusing me of no invite to a certain event despite the fact that it wasn't a manual invite for the event. He fucking left the group on his own accord and tries to pin this no invite on me. Really gets to me. It's worse than crying wolf. Ironically stating our past 5 years of friendship (which he totally ruined with that comment).

But all these cannot be compared to my girlfriend accusing me of not spending enough time with her family. That I treasure my work, family, siblings and friends more. And I swear it really felt like she just wants to be upset with me for no reason. Just 2 days ago, I spent a whole day at her place helping her family around the house while she slept. Barely 4 days, I had dinner at her place. Not discounting the fact that each time her brother needs my help, I'll gladly go.

But no. All of that probably meant nothing to her. In fact. In her own words "I devote ALL my time to... ..", "EVERYTIME I ask you to eat together... ...", "You ALWAYS reject me". I don't feel like continuing anymore. Even though I'm just repeating, it sounds just as childish.

I never asked for much. The only time I asked you to come over are for stayovers. Because essentially we'll pay more if I park at your place now. And I've told you I want to change that. Earn a little more so I can afford parking at your place too. Meals with my family is less than a handful of times.

I don't even

want

to continue

listing stuffs

anymore.

If you do not remember how much I do for you and your family, well I'll gladly go and let you find the person of your dreams. Which you've made it perfectly clear that I'm not.

Spur

It hasn't been the smoothest of days over the past week.

Almost like a series of unfortunate events, that feels a lot worse because it is evidently my own fault.

Something curious that happened was during the last weekly jog that I went, there was another jogger wearing the NS physical training attire in front of me. Since it is my first round, I overtook him with ease and wanted to go on leisurely. But to my surprise, he was hot on my heels and chased me for a whole round before ending his jog.

It reminded me of how competitive life can be, how I used to be and how I am now.

Inanimacy

Feeling smug because 'inanimacy' was just a word I used to try to represent a noun for 'inanimate', but lo and behold! It describes the exact essence of what I want to convey.

'it is a word i use to define how we love our "things"'

                                         - Urban Dictionary

Recently my younger brother lost his pouch for the earpiece he bought. He found out just before he has to book in to his army camp (my brother is currently under national conscript), and he came into my room frantically asking if I have seen it anywhere. There and then I felt that heart-wrenching pain, it's not crippling but just enough to feel like tearing.

Just a few months ago, I went jogging at a nearby park after-which I will usually grab a quick shower at a nearby toilet. Unfortunately for whatever reason, I left my toiletry pouch in the toilet along with my soiled clothes and handphone. Despite rushing back to the toilet after half an hour, the bags were no longer there. I went scouring in the nearby bins, and there lie the bags. My toiletry bag was half soaked in coca cola with all the items missing, fortunately my soiled clothes and handphone were 'clean' and still in the bag. Within my toiletry bag were some unique items that I will never be able to replace. The feel was so strong but there were no tears.

Gaming gear always includes a good keyboard and optical/ball mouse. My girlfriend's brother bought one home and realise a few of the keys are permanently indented. I remember feeling my heart just flying out.

My girlfriend and I bought the same laptop at an IT Mall. And oddly enough, they were left with only one windows 7 set. So, I decided to take the Windows 8 version and promised to help them research on upgrading to Windows 8 together. Needless to say I did not succeed. What I felt was not guilt, but somehow I failed and pulled at the heart-strings too. Probably cos my girlfriend was involved.

A few years back, I smashed my own handphone's screen to smithereens while trying to fix it because hitting the keypad worked the previous few times. An accidental misplaced hit from my knee to the screen........

During my teenage years, handphones always felt out of my reach. It was not as common as the present and it was a luxury to be able to own one. But the allure and the promise of connection was too irresistible and I took odd-jobs just so I could afford one. After my father found out why my grades were slipping, he took the phone and threw it like a shotput ... ... straight on the floor.

I have always wanted to talk about this feeling, indescribable yet so strong it has made me suicidal before. Maybe I can coin this as 'Inanimacism'. It is weird because I can even recall when such feelings start to surface. And even far out is the fact that I have Inanimacism even when it happens to things that belong to someone else.

But even more peculiar is that I don't love easily, and this includes objects. Important to my life or not they, as I describe to my mum, are tools for us. I treasure my stuff but never love.

Yet whenever materialistic calamities happen to people around me, be the item is replaceable or irreplaceable, I always feel a dreadful sense of loss. Something like a 'what could have been.........'

On the same note, it is similar to the feels I have for my girlfriend. When some unfortunate events happen to her, Inanimacism coupled with the feels... ... Helplessness.

Few Feels

I get overwhelmed with emotions. Easily.

Clouds my judgement. Impulsive decisions are almost always the outcome.

Anger.

Despite learning again and again through games that goading from the enemy usually leads to a bad ending when succumbed to it. This red mist has caused me countless games, a broken tibia and metacarpal, arguments and even friends.

Is it worth it, on hindsight they always felt foolish. But in the thick of it, every fiber in my body screams blood.

You're next.

#You Don't Say

There have been many protests and campaigns in recent years pertaining to issues like homosexuality, gender equality, evolution and religion. While it is a shift in focus global warming and food shortage, it also represents our change in our standard of living. How? As the internet embeds itself deeper and deeper into our lives, we start to have more information from everywhere. We realise our world has more issues than we are aware of.

The main difference between past hot campaigns and current ones are that homosexuality and gender equality have many greys. It is very reliant on the moral compass inside each and everyone of us. Very much like one's favourite food, durian for example, there are extremes and neutrals. What's ok to some us are balked by others.

Here's a campaign, Thinking Before We Speak:
https://sfglobe.com/?id=528&src=home_articlexpromo

The campaign is about sending the wrong message by using some of the common phrases we use today. It is really interesting and in all honesty some of the phrases do not literally mean what they mean when we use them, but they do subconsciously become what we believe. When I was in the army, there is a phrase we all heard of before "Don't be a gu niang (meaning lady)!". Unfortunately it is unerringly a use of the stereotype where girls are physically weaker than guys.

While I think the campaign is a good start to correct our stereotype and our use of language, it does not address the root of the problem. Would you call someone who is really ugly, ugly in the face? You might think 'no' would be the natural answer, but the truth is there will bound to have people who stand by saying 'yes'! I mean I would not say yes not because I believe in karma but it would be hurtful and yet it would be hurtful all the same by telling a white lie. That someone who said yes will tell say it's all for the person's own good, better hear the truth than a fabricated lie.

And I am especially guilty of this. I am a #You Don't Say even before the campaign materialised. It torments me because I never get to express myself and get to the root of an issue, instead skirt around and try to filter the negative implications the raw message would bring.

Which would we prefer?

However, when it is put across in this manner, we are in fact doing the exact opposite of solving a problem, we would be running away. Instead of understanding each other, we resort to stop talking about it. Opinions need to be heard, however uncouth. It is up to us to understand what is for the good of us. Are we going to point out that the debates have cause bigger rifts between mankind and that these differences between humans are not as dire as the possibility of losing our homes?

Is this what I want?

Is this what we want?

The First of Many

It's a start!

 

Simply thinking of a name reminds me of days when creating an e-mail account requires lots of praying that the idea you had, stays virgin.

*Ice Breaks*

 

A little about me, I once read an article about gunman shooting randomly at the screening of the Dark Knight movie. Can't remember if it was the joker or bane. But what stuck to me was someone at the scene describe heroes grabbing people into cover behind the seats instinctively, and how a hero described that nothing went through his mind. He just did it without thinking.

In retrospect, would have hesitated? Or freeze, probably at the cost my own life and people around me? I won't wait to find out. And I have already thought of a perfect way to start about going onto this 'hero' status, I'm going to kill a cockroach.

One day.

*I'm not satisfied with the title. For future references, it is/was 'Gaze Inwards'.